I.Hate.Everything.

Why is that every time I am around my family I just feel like I am the most stupid, the fattest person, the ugliest person, the least like to ever be able to become anything worth anything on the planet, and the least loved? Oh wait thats because I am. I mean really. Is it to much to ask for just one thing to go right in my life EVER? All I have is Jeff and Marty. Marty is his dog and we all know he will leave me in time. This year Im thankful for the fact that I haven't offed myself yet. Or am I? No not even that.

I am worthless

Listening to my roommate and her little speak every single damn day makes me realize i never got that relationship and will never have it. I joined for that relationship and all i received was crap. a sis mom that blew me off and made me feel like crap then became my big and two littles who hated me and then left. i try and try to give everything that i have and no one likes me to this day. I'm going on my third year in this damn house. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF! I hate this place. I hate this school. All i ever want was to be wanted. HOW HARD IS THAT? My own damn family doesn't want me my sorority has been trying to get me to quit since my own damn bid day and i have zero friends at this damn school. I should really just end it. really. I am so worthless. God must really be the biggest ass. WHY AM I ALIVE? I should have never been born.

uncertain

Lately I have found myself wondering more and more why I am around. I don't really have friends, I have a horrible relationship with my dad, most of my family doesn't really care to know me, and all I seem to have is my boyfriend and our (his) dog. The boyfriend has been very one foot in one foot out for the past year though and if we break up I will essentially have nothing. Bye-bye dog that is in essence my own flesh and blood child and the man whom is my best friend in the whole world. IDK maybe he's right to worry that if we ever broke up I wouldn't be able to handle it. I think I will but that was before I realized I legit have no friends. I recently realized my roommate and I are just that, roommates. She's been my best friend since around this time last year when we first moved into our room together and I always knew I wasn't hers, but at the same time I thought I was still a really good friend of hers.... WRONG! One of her friends came back this year from Florida and her little and her other good friends from the pledge class below us moved into the house and now she only knows I am alive when our bedroom door is closed and no one can see her talking to me. Its as if I'm the kid in elementary school everyone hates because the popular girls hate her... oh wait... I was and still am that kid. A month ago I would have described myself as standing back staring at the ledge. Now I am on the ledge staring down swaying ready to jump. I haven't felt so low and so unhappy with myself in so long. I've never had these bad of feelings. I've been more depressed, yes, but never had this many "bad thoughts." I think about it almost everyday at length, but the thing is no one would ever care or even realize if I just disappeared. I know some people will always slip through the cracks, but this is like people were taking sledge hammers to force a gapping hole for me. I feel so alone all the time. I'm completely fat and disgusting, I'm stupid and a horrible student, I have no friends and yet a wonderful boyfriend who seems ready to bail at any moment. IDK I have never felt so alone as I do now. NEVER I think I am probably "that girl." You know her... the girl who only ever wanted to have a friend, just one friend who would care about her and be there for her. IDK I've known for quite sometime that God hates me. If there even is a God. At this point I have no idea because why would God make someone live like this.... knowing that there is not a single person on this planet that would care if she died... that would shed a tear if she left without saying a word just to disappear forever... well except my boyfriend that constantly is telling me he's just not sure if he should be with me and that he often thinks our relationship has run its course. I'm hanging on by an old and weather string that once was a rope. Its mildewed and probably wont last very much longer. I'm sinking so deep I don't think anything will be able to help me soon. But will anyone even care to try if they knew? No. Will anyone read this? No. Will anyone do anything if they read this? Yes, they'll push me over the before-mentioned ledge. They'll laugh as I fall to my death and cheer when they know I am gone. They'll be happy knowing they did the world a favor. Knowing that I will never be around to disturb anyone again.

Dissapointment

Why do I ever let myself get my hopes up?? It always end in disappointment. I have a wonderful boyfriend an awesome dog and an adorable guinea pig. As long as I don't f it up, my roommate is my friend. My big and I are getting better and that's about all I have. My littles never talk to me and my parents treat my like shit and it only gets worse with age. Why is my life this way??? Idk sometimes I think God decided I suck. Idk. I know I should be thankful but it's hard.

Hi

It's cold in my room with out heat. I need socks but I dont want to get up. I need to go to Walmart but again, I don't want to get up lol. Maybe I'll just suck it up. Worth a try right? Ok here we go...

look dad a lion!

I got to watch all the precious baby gams try out for using today! it was adorable and soooo cute!
I loved it!! so its the middle of the second week of school and i am already loving this semester!! yay!!! is it weird that i am already ready for big/little??? to soon??? ya... probably. BUT I AM! i want twins... it will be adorable!

AH-DOOR-ABLE!

GAH COME FASTER!

Jefferson

I love Jefferson Alexander Ballinger Gray! He is the best man ever. I love you honey bee!

Chrissy is the best rooms evaaah!! Boom love you girl had a blast tonight!!

So much fun forever!

today

Today was a rough day... It started out amazing, and I had a WONDERFUL day with Jefferson snuggling and napping!!!!! Also I had a relaxing time at the spa get my nails done with the girlies. I had a stressful night though... I'm just going to attribute that to being tired from work week and being stressed out. I got to see my adorable guinea pig and puppy today!!!! They're both getting so big!!!


Jefferson Gray is amazing and wonderful at making me feel better and less stressed!


I love you Jeff-Jeff!!!


Day 1 of recruitment starts bright and early tomorrow!!!


Good Night

Lately.

And hours later my body finally gives a plea for sleep. Would have thought it would have come earlier...

I've recently become obsessed with monk. It's really very good. Also I have pleurisy. It is very very painful. Feels like a constant heart attack even though it's the pleura space around the lungs that's inflamed and swollen. The fourth was ok. The boat broke Sunday and then the fireworks were almost called off that night because of rain. My best friend didn't tell me she was only coming for two nights until after we'd spent four hours at urgent care and an hour before we left for the lake. That was a real downer. Over all I don't rank this anywhere near my top favorites, but it was ok. At least I finished my homework on time...

06:14:11

Chemistry............... Nough said.




Today is going to be a busy day! Class forever. Grocery shopping getting mom a new key. Baking banana bread. Homework. Cleaning my room. And so on and so forth.


This last weekend was wonderful. Went to Norman to see jefferson and that was superb. I love that guy. One of my favorite moments was when peanut Marty Jeff and I were all snuggling on the bed. It was perfect. Well back to class.

5/31/11

So it's been a minute since I last posted... Whoops. A lot has happened since then. I've started working for my daddy this summer, had a wonderful memorial day with the fam my boys and my baby, and got my wisdom teeth taken out today... Ouch.

I officially look like a chipmunk. Thankful it hasn't gotten to horrendous in the pain department yet. My pain medicine works wonders! Oh and I only had three of them. My wonderful, loving, amazing mother has been taking care of my all day and will tomorrow! I love my family. My baby has frequently checked on me today as well : ]. I feel very blessed to have all of these people in my life. I will miss my big Katy this summer when she heads to DC in the morning, I need to get her address to send her her birthday present. You only truly turn 21 once!

I'm excited to spend sometime with my daddy tomorrow, he's wonderful. He will be with me while my mom is getting her nails done.

Speaking of daddies. I need to figure out a time my boyfriend and I can go visit my real dad. I miss him, Elizabeth, an Lisa. I need to talk to anne about his and Pa's fathers day presents. I already got the cards.  I also need to figure out a time to go to Wewoka. spend sometime with my grandparents and the smiths/Castleberry clans. I love it there. Just like I love being at the lake. It's just so pretty. Hopefully Jeff will be down for Wewoka too. I love him.


Haha I guess my momma was right, I must be a little high from my meds. Oh well, I like being this blissfuly happy and content!

Well I love you!!!
-Abbey

Exciting news

Jeff got an honorable discharge from the army ten months early!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOH!


Also I'm getting my nails did. Lol. Today's a good day. I went to the dentist (found out I have to get my wisdom teeth out :( this summer), went grocery shopping, am getting and excellent mani pedi, and then a hair cut later!! BOOM!

It's kind of sucky though that I have to start a freakishly strict diet. At least I didn't get any tempting food at the store today. Although I am excited that I'm getting a professional trainer!! Well so far summer = success!!!!

Peace love and Marty!

Bye bye Norman. :(

Sooooo sad. I'll be leaving Norman tomorrow to head back to Tulsa. I'm really going to miss my baby, Jeffers. I'm blogging for you honey bee. I love you like crazzzzzy, boy. You are so wonderful honey. You, I love. I think you are the best boyfran evah!!!!! Lol



Soooo. Finals. Just. Blowed. I'm ready for no classes, but not to go back to Tulsa. At least I have a job set up. It's been way stressful trying to find someone to fill my lease at crimson park. Very upsetting. I wish I could just live in Norman over the summer. Take class here. Work HERE. Gah. Lame.

I don't want to leave here. I love being here. With my Jefferson. My Marty. And my peanut. (peanut is my new guinea pig).


My parents don't want me to take him home with me, buts its what's best for him (and quite frankly me). I've had him for two and a half weeks and I love him to death. He's a good baby. 2.5 months old and cute as sin. Im just going to miss Marty and Jeff. I'm going to have to come down to Norman practically every weekend. BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

History Was Made

Today we Americans get to join together in a very proud moment ten years in the making. We get to look to the future with more hope than we could on September 11. We get remember this day, and where we were when we heard the news with joy and victory. We get to lift our glasses to those who fought, and lead to our victory. We get to final lay to rest what our country has, and will always be, forced to remember as a dark time in the history of the united states. I am so proud to say that I am an American. Especially tonight when victory and happiness are running so deep.

Our country has come together and we get to celebrate this day. The first of may, as a day of so much success. We finally get to start putting this behind us, and moving.


As a country we will never forget. We will always remember the horrific acts this man caused.


We are Americans.

4/25/11

Oh my goodness. I am soooooo sleepy! Sitting in calc is difficult since I can do antiderivatives, which is what we're learning. Still 20 minutes to sit here. I'm considering leaving lol. I won't though. I'm going to try to go to rock wall today because I never want to go on Wednesdays. We'll see though. I usually fall asleep before I manage to go. Jdoekfjfuso. Ready for a big glass of ice water. I forgot my water bottle, AGAIN, today. Well enough bored rambling.

4/18/11

Jeffs roommate brought home a baby basset hound today!!!!  makes me so happy! I just love puppies. It's so cute, Marty just so very excited. It's so cute and I love him. It so funny Marty in his 6th month glory is like 10 times bigger than baby buffet. Oooooh goodness!!!!!!!!! I love puppies!!!!

AHHHHHHH

Jeff and I are having a battle royal!!!! We are playing words with friends and I won the last game!!! Heres to turning that into a streak!!

I'm back

Well it's certainly been a while. I've been busy with m sorority doing spring initiation and tests and what not. Well school is pretty dang close to over. It's all very sudden. Lol this semester has gone by rather quickly I feel. It's been rough, but better than the last. I hope I do well on my grades! I'm definitely better than last semester. Well I'm gonna go check on that now!

Peace love and Marty!

On the way...

We'll we're on the way to Mathis brothers in the city. Joy. Lol yesterday was the longest day. Busy from 9am-2am. It was awful. Oh and the second window on my jeep broke and we have it wedged up with pieces of bark wedged into the frame. *eye roll*

I'm so glad it is finally starting to get warm. I love it! Jeff (the boyfriend) was about to take me to a shooting range. That would have been interesting. He decided against it because it would be semi expensive. Woo. Mathis Brothers we go!

This wind

There's something special about dogs. Every time you come home they act like they haven't seen you for a year. I love it!

So this wind is really killing me. It's absolutely awful! I was like hey! I feel like going for a jog.... NO! As I was running I couldn't help but have visions of the wind picking me up and carrying me away to never never land. It's horrible! I barely made eeeh a quarter of a mile, maybe, before I had to turn back. Luckily Jeff's house is right near where I jog. I tool refuge there.

Here's hoping gale force winds don't care students away as the walk to class!!