I.Hate.Everything.

Why is that every time I am around my family I just feel like I am the most stupid, the fattest person, the ugliest person, the least like to ever be able to become anything worth anything on the planet, and the least loved? Oh wait thats because I am. I mean really. Is it to much to ask for just one thing to go right in my life EVER? All I have is Jeff and Marty. Marty is his dog and we all know he will leave me in time. This year Im thankful for the fact that I haven't offed myself yet. Or am I? No not even that.

I am worthless

Listening to my roommate and her little speak every single damn day makes me realize i never got that relationship and will never have it. I joined for that relationship and all i received was crap. a sis mom that blew me off and made me feel like crap then became my big and two littles who hated me and then left. i try and try to give everything that i have and no one likes me to this day. I'm going on my third year in this damn house. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF! I hate this place. I hate this school. All i ever want was to be wanted. HOW HARD IS THAT? My own damn family doesn't want me my sorority has been trying to get me to quit since my own damn bid day and i have zero friends at this damn school. I should really just end it. really. I am so worthless. God must really be the biggest ass. WHY AM I ALIVE? I should have never been born.

uncertain

Lately I have found myself wondering more and more why I am around. I don't really have friends, I have a horrible relationship with my dad, most of my family doesn't really care to know me, and all I seem to have is my boyfriend and our (his) dog. The boyfriend has been very one foot in one foot out for the past year though and if we break up I will essentially have nothing. Bye-bye dog that is in essence my own flesh and blood child and the man whom is my best friend in the whole world. IDK maybe he's right to worry that if we ever broke up I wouldn't be able to handle it. I think I will but that was before I realized I legit have no friends. I recently realized my roommate and I are just that, roommates. She's been my best friend since around this time last year when we first moved into our room together and I always knew I wasn't hers, but at the same time I thought I was still a really good friend of hers.... WRONG! One of her friends came back this year from Florida and her little and her other good friends from the pledge class below us moved into the house and now she only knows I am alive when our bedroom door is closed and no one can see her talking to me. Its as if I'm the kid in elementary school everyone hates because the popular girls hate her... oh wait... I was and still am that kid. A month ago I would have described myself as standing back staring at the ledge. Now I am on the ledge staring down swaying ready to jump. I haven't felt so low and so unhappy with myself in so long. I've never had these bad of feelings. I've been more depressed, yes, but never had this many "bad thoughts." I think about it almost everyday at length, but the thing is no one would ever care or even realize if I just disappeared. I know some people will always slip through the cracks, but this is like people were taking sledge hammers to force a gapping hole for me. I feel so alone all the time. I'm completely fat and disgusting, I'm stupid and a horrible student, I have no friends and yet a wonderful boyfriend who seems ready to bail at any moment. IDK I have never felt so alone as I do now. NEVER I think I am probably "that girl." You know her... the girl who only ever wanted to have a friend, just one friend who would care about her and be there for her. IDK I've known for quite sometime that God hates me. If there even is a God. At this point I have no idea because why would God make someone live like this.... knowing that there is not a single person on this planet that would care if she died... that would shed a tear if she left without saying a word just to disappear forever... well except my boyfriend that constantly is telling me he's just not sure if he should be with me and that he often thinks our relationship has run its course. I'm hanging on by an old and weather string that once was a rope. Its mildewed and probably wont last very much longer. I'm sinking so deep I don't think anything will be able to help me soon. But will anyone even care to try if they knew? No. Will anyone read this? No. Will anyone do anything if they read this? Yes, they'll push me over the before-mentioned ledge. They'll laugh as I fall to my death and cheer when they know I am gone. They'll be happy knowing they did the world a favor. Knowing that I will never be around to disturb anyone again.

Dissapointment

Why do I ever let myself get my hopes up?? It always end in disappointment. I have a wonderful boyfriend an awesome dog and an adorable guinea pig. As long as I don't f it up, my roommate is my friend. My big and I are getting better and that's about all I have. My littles never talk to me and my parents treat my like shit and it only gets worse with age. Why is my life this way??? Idk sometimes I think God decided I suck. Idk. I know I should be thankful but it's hard.

Hi

It's cold in my room with out heat. I need socks but I dont want to get up. I need to go to Walmart but again, I don't want to get up lol. Maybe I'll just suck it up. Worth a try right? Ok here we go...

look dad a lion!

I got to watch all the precious baby gams try out for using today! it was adorable and soooo cute!
I loved it!! so its the middle of the second week of school and i am already loving this semester!! yay!!! is it weird that i am already ready for big/little??? to soon??? ya... probably. BUT I AM! i want twins... it will be adorable!

AH-DOOR-ABLE!

GAH COME FASTER!

Jefferson

I love Jefferson Alexander Ballinger Gray! He is the best man ever. I love you honey bee!

Chrissy is the best rooms evaaah!! Boom love you girl had a blast tonight!!

So much fun forever!